the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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