I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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