im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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