I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
