when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
