When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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