so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
