11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
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but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
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