She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
