one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize