You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
