That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
