If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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