My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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