get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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