So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
