you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
