so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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