i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
