ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
