Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
sex in a hospital.. check
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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