im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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