i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Operation Purity has been aborted
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
