U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
