I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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