Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
