I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
