You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
