The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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