god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
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It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
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The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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