Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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