when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
