matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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