We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
