when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
