I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night