She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now