he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
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the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
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All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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