Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
