i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
