i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
