the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
even my farts smell like vagina
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
