So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
