True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
