I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
