Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
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