When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
