You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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