Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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