i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
