1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
