It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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