I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize