Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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