Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
