These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
