hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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