best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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