I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.