allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".