Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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